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I Need You to Show Me Compassion

I'm suffering from a deeply held anxiety.

I don't know where I came from nor where I'm going. And that I'm an autonomous individual with obligations my ego is too weak to face.

This scares the hell out of me.

To get rid of it, I project it onto people in the world who cannot defend themselves. Or myths it's impossible to substantiate.

Then I run cover for grotesque levels of criminal activity, killing and obscene sexualisation at very high scale. Somehow, it makes me feel less anxious when I conceal this.

Worse, I create a narrative out of nothing which shows me to be 'The One' saving a world in an imaginary emergency.

"Look at me. How great am I, my Lord. I will sit on your right hand side in heaven."

I project this psychotic fantasy onto others because it helps me to conceal, my prior concealment, of what I hate about myself - the deeply held anxiety, the shame and guilt, which I'm not brave enough to deal with.

What about my children? I know I am now an agent in their future suffering yet still I proceed in my cowardice.

The net effect of this disturbing incoherence is for me to partake in my own little way in the destruction of the world.

I need you to show me compassion.
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